Reminder.

I took this in October. I went there a few times this fall to clear my head and walk around for exercise. Ever since I was a child, I have visited Keewaydin State Park, and I even worked there for two summers of my adulthood as well. This is the foundation of an old hotel that was located where the park is now. I am not sure if it was never fully developed or if it was taken down and some of the foundation remains. However, it's beautiful and my favorite hidden treasure at the park. Timeless, a place that has been left behind and practically forgotten. However, I know that I will always remember this staircase.

Metric- Gimme Sympathy (Official Video)

"Oh seriously, you're gonna make mistakes, you're young, come on baby, play me something, like here comes the sun..."

Banana Split Cheesecake

(As found in Taste of Home Guilt Free Cooking)

1 can (8 oz) unsweetened crushed pineapple, divided

2 medium firm bananas, sliced

1 reduced fat graham cracker crust

1 package (8oz) fat-free cream cheese

1 1/2 cups of pineapple sherbert (softened)

1 package (1 oz) sugar free instant vanilla pudding mix

1 carton 8 ox frozen fat reduced whopped topping; thawed and divided

4 Maraschino Cherries (divided)

1 Tablespoon chocolate syrup

1 Tablespoon caramel topping

1 tablespoon chopped pecans

1.) Drain pineapple, reserving juice. In a small bowl, combine bananas and 2 tablespoons reserved juice; Let stand for 5 minutes. Drain bananas and make a layer over the bottom of the crust; Set Aside.

2.) In a large bowl, beat cream cheese and 2 tablespoons reserved pineapple juice. Gradually beat in pineapple sherbet. Then gradually beat in vanilla pudding mix for about 2 minutes longer. Refrigerate 1/3 cup of pineapple topping and fold remaining pineapple into cream cheese mixture. Then fold in 2 cups of the whipped topping. Spread evenly over banana slices. Cover and freeze until firm. (IMPORTANT)

3.) Remove from freezer 10-15 minutes before serving. Chop three maraschino cherries and pat dry. Arrange pineapple and cherries around edge of pie and drizzle with chocolate and caramel. Dollop remaining whipped topping in the center and top with the chopped pecans and remaining cherry.

I made this for my mom's birthday, (yesterday January 5th, 2011). It was great, but I didn't let it get firm so it was kind of a mess when serving. Also, I used more cherries than she said to, and next time I make this I am setting aside a little more than 1/3 of a cup of pineapples. I recommend this for a summer day, although, if it melts to fast it will be a mess. It is a great cold treat though!

Cantonese Beef served on Rice

Cantonese Beef
(As found in Taste of Home Guilt Free Cooking)

1 can (11 Ounces) Mandarin Oranges

2 lbs Beef Stew Meat, cut into 1 inch cubes

1 small onion, sliced

1 tablespoon canola oil

1-1/2 cups water

1/3 cup reduced-sodium soy sauce

1/2 teaspoon ground ginger

4 celery ribs, sliced

1 small green pepper, julienned

1 can (8 ounces) sliced water chestnuts, drained

3 tablespoons cornstarch

3 tablespoons cold water

Hot Cooked Rice

1.) Drain oranges, reserving juice; set oranges aside. In a Dutch Oven, brown beef and onion in oil; drain. Stir in the water, soy sauce, ginger and reserved juice. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat; cover and simmer for 1 to 1 1/2 hours or until beef is tender.


2.) Add the celery, green pepper, and water chestnuts. Cover and cook for 20-30 minutes or until vegetables are tender. Combine cornstarch and cold water until smooth; stir into beef mixture. Bring to a boil; cook and stir for 2 minutes or until thickened. Stir in reserved oranges. Serve with rice.

Serves:9, serving size (3/4 cup of beef cantonese without rice) is 233 calories.

I liked it, first time making it tonight. Similar to some stir-fry meals I've made in the past. I personally added mushrooms and had sweet red peppers, so I replaced the green peppers in mine with red. I think next time I will cut the meat up smaller and add more cornstarch mixture because it was not thick enough for my liking. I'd recommend it though, for a pretty easy meal.

A picture I took to remind myself of the beauty in life:

A part of this project will also be to include things to inspire myself to remember the beauty this world has to offer. I will publish pictures I have taken that I tried to capture the essence of beauty in this world or I will publish and give credit to other artists who have done the same. Whether it be words, quotations, pictures. I will briefly explain how the form of artwork has inspired or how it has made me feel, and hope that if not the same feeling occurs for someone else, it may inspire some admiration of how truly beautiful this world and this life can be.


Here is a picture I recently captured of my sister's cats. (Well, only two of the five). My sister has a big heart for animals. These two were her first cats. Cabot (the Grey and White cat) She got in 2004 as a kitten. Someone had said that he was thrown out because he was too ugly and she found him in a box on the side of the road. Minus that he had obnoxiously huge ears and bounced around like a bunny (hence the name Cabot), he was the one of the cutest most loving kittens we'd ever come across. A couple years later, a black and white stray began hanging around my sister's apartment (Phil). He gained my sister's affections but she wasn't ready to take him into her home. Until one day when he dragged himself to her after being hurt, she assumed possibly hit by a car. At that point she took care of him and he is now one of her indoor cats. Both these cats being "saved" kitties makes them precious all in their own story.

Cats (although in some cases other people may have personal opinions that do not agree with mine) are just all around cute. Pictures of kittens make people giggle in auw all the time. A cat, from my experience, is very in tune with the people who take care of them. Cats know when their owners are not okay and will find a way to try and comfort them. (Not all, but most at least). Cats, although not as loving as a dog or puppy can be, can be a huge heart warming entity. They have the ability to make a lot of people smile, even if it is just by a picture.


These two cats, Although not blood related, treat each other like brothers. That should be inspiring enough to anyone, to remember that you should try and treat those you care about like family members, who watch out and support each other. If two cats can do it, so can we as human beings (You know since we are the superior species because of our larger and better brains; which seem to be programmed more selfishly with less consideration for others).

Phantom #1: Body Issues

One of the biggest phantoms in my head is my looks. I have always struggled particularly with weight. I know that all my close friends have heard me complain and whine and do everything I can to try and not be so "fat".

Throughout my lifetime, I've fluctuated from a healthy kid, to a chubby kid, to an extremely skinny teen, to a chubby adult, to an obese (BY BMI DEFINITION) adult. Even when I was a skinny teen, I would look into the mirror and see fat.

As a teenager, I swam on the swim team for school. I worked very hard to do my best for that sport. Swimming helped so much with weight loss but at times I would have issues with what I looked like compared to friends on the team, I would skip my breakfast and lunch and eat a very small dinner. At another point, I had a boyfriend that cheated on me, and instead of leaving him behind to eat my "too good for him" dust, I thought I was too fat for him and began losing more weight. Towards my senior year of High School, while dating someone else who I "got comfortable" with, I put on some weight, after that the weight began barreling out of control because I no longer had swimming and I did not participate in many physically exerting activities.

I am 5'4". My weight at my lowest 115 lbs when I was a teenager. I don't ever expect to have my child body back, considering my body has matured into adulthood and that is basically an unobtainable and self destructive goal.

When I transferred to SUNY Potsdam I gained weight in 2006. I rocketed to 215lbs. After ending another relationship (which was also my most recent relationship, 6 years ago), I realized what had happened to my body in the meantime. Although I was quite aware the my bra size and pant size had been growing, I just pushed aside and focused on things that were "more important" at the time. After all this, I began eating healthier. I made friends who enjoyed walks at school and into town. I even lived up the hall from a friend who worked out regularly in the mornings and I'd got to the gym with her. Then, I took up a hobby in hiking for one of my summers.


In the summertime between my junior and senior year, I met a 29 year old amazing person. I don't think she could understand how truly inspiring she had become to me. Right off the bat, I poured my heart out to her. Which was probably from her aspect really weird. She explained a lot of things to me, got me motivated to do walking, showed me that she used a pedometer and we began challenging each other to walk more steps each day. She told me that her life hasn't been a basket full of sunshine and explained that she was not always healthy either. She inspired me to become a better person, especially when I was around her. Sadly, it was just a summer job and I didn't have her motivation year round. I started off my Senior year of college and for the most part ate a pretty healthy diet from what my roommates and I could afford and was down to 160lbs.

After college, I stopped taking care of myself. I moved into an apartment with a best friend. We partied all the time and I thought I was having the time of my life. I look back on the pictures now and I can't believe how little I took care of myself. My hair was a mess, I looked like crap. I probably felt like crap too from all the drinking we did. It seemed so fun at the time. I moved back home and got a car, which decreased the amount of walking I was doing. I ate full on fattening meals because that's what they served to the boys at the job I was working. I reached the weight of 205lbs, this past September 2010. At this point, I talked with my mom about wanting to lose weight. We looked into some diets and began eating the p90x diet (with plans of exercising).

This was about the time that I spiraled out of control with drinking and partying. I drank more times than a person should in a week. I would be hungover for work, I'd show up right on time, I woke up basically when I needed to leave. I didn't care about myself. At all, and then I got arrested.

At the point where I knew something had to change, I decided to trace back and think of how I could fix always feeling bad about how I look. I remembered how good I felt when I was walking that summer with my co-worker. I thought about how little I had exercised in the past year. I thought about how aggressive I was and how angry I was. I remembered that when I went to counseling for a brief time in college how they explained that it is important to incorporate exercise because it releases endorphins to raise levels of feeling happier in your life. The one thing I've always let slide and be put on the back burner is exercise. I've always blamed that I don't have a work out partner or a gym or this or that.

I've decided that I NEED to take accountability for my actions. If I need to work out, then I am the only person who can control that. Since the end of November 2010, I've been able to work out pretty much everyday. There have been a few days here and there where I took a break or had to many other things to do in the day that I did not get a chance but for the most part I have worked out everyday. I have been doing "Walk away the Pounds" DVD. I have a few other DVDs that are too intense at the moment and demotivate me. I figure that doing something is better than nothing and eventually my endurance will make me capable of taking on harder activities. I plan on working into being a runner in the spring time, which will take a lot of motivation and determination.

I started out the New Year weighing 185lbs. I've succeeded in losing 20lbs, just by making conscious healthier choices with the amount of food I eat along with incorporating exercise.

Everyday, I have an excuse in my head why I should not exercise. Everyday, I FORCE myself to tell myself, "Stop it and just do it". So far, I've been doing great, and most of me feels pretty good about it. Thinking about how much weight I have to go makes me sad sometimes, but I try my best to push these thoughts aside and push more positive and motivating thoughts in.

I can do this for myself and I will.

The start of change.

I hit rock bottom in October. I had began drinking at a very intense rate. I was having problems coping with issues that I had created for myself, and I thought that the only way I could have fun would be to drink. When I drank, I thought, I didn't have to think about my problems. Then, I created MORE problems for myself. I was arrested on October 12th, 2010 with an aggravated DWI. The following day, when I told my job, they explained that since I work with Children, they had to let me go. Bang, Bang.

I had a lot of trouble coping. At first, I thought of all the different things I could blame. I thought well, this wouldn't have happened if so and so wouldn't have done this to me. OR I wouldn't have gotten caught if they did this. I placed the blame on every outside source I possibly could. I cried for days, I argued, I pleaded. I was feeling the lowest I've ever felt.

I found a Lawyer and proceeded to take care of the pending court dates. I applied for unemployment. I did everything I could for the outside mess I had created, and still sat in a negative cloud of blaming others and everything else and leaving the heat off myself, while still feeling incredibly depressed.

I stayed up late one night, which actually had become a habit, staying up all night and sleeping all day. I knew that I did not want to continue this cycle. I knew I did not want to end up in this situation ever again. I knew that I wanted to not feel so defeated, so horribly depressed at only 23. So I vowed that I would have to make some changes. I would have to begin participating in healthy choices. I would have to chose to do things to make sure that I never do this to myself again. I pondered for hours, all of the things that had brought me down.

Yes, I was naming outside events and sources, but I realized after doing some research on alcoholism (which at this point I dabbled in the creations of becoming one). The main issue for alcoholics, and I honestly believe most depressed individuals, is that instead of focusing on the control we have on our lives, we focus on things we feel we do not have control over. We marinate in these thoughts of hatred and sadness, of anger and rage. I personally took no credit for anything that occurred to me. I had NO control over myself whatsoever, everything was bad to me and for me, and I was not letting any of it go.

Well, not until that night. I had decided to stop blaming other situations, other people, other sources for my emotions and actions. From this point on it was MY decision to be happy, to feel happy, to do good things. It was my decision to control situations I am involved in, to remove myself or continue on, to do anything I do. It is my own will, it is not controlled by any outside source, I am the cause and effect of all of my OWN choices and actions. NO ONE but ME is to blame or to credit for anything I have accomplished (or failed at) in my lifetime.

This process is taking time. Still, I find myself blaming instead of taking credit for my actions. At the end of the day, I think about it and I need to focus on just letting things go and stop focusing on the negative, take a step forward and a deep breath and make an action step to turn the negative into a positive. Apologize for reacting immaturely, take credit for my actions. Apologies only go so far, but in the process of fixing oneself, they are going to happen, and it's better to beat it to death instead of never letting anyone know that you know you were wrong.

So far, I've been able to make some very healthy changes. I have been working on not being defeated but being in control of myself and my actions and just making positive and happier choices. Now, that's the background of how I got here. I suppose I can begin documenting advice and struggles and how I've tried to overcome these problems. I'm using myself as a psychological experiment (I did study Psychology in College after all). I'm going to have to figure out if it is even possible to do, (experiment wise). Even if it's not, I still hope to document what I have done to overcome the phantoms of anger and depression in my head and just become the person I've always wanted to be.