One of the biggest phantoms in my head is my looks. I have always struggled particularly with weight. I know that all my close friends have heard me complain and whine and do everything I can to try and not be so "fat".
Throughout my lifetime, I've fluctuated from a healthy kid, to a chubby kid, to an extremely skinny teen, to a chubby adult, to an obese (BY BMI DEFINITION) adult. Even when I was a skinny teen, I would look into the mirror and see fat.
As a teenager, I swam on the swim team for school. I worked very hard to do my best for that sport. Swimming helped so much with weight loss but at times I would have issues with what I looked like compared to friends on the team, I would skip my breakfast and lunch and eat a very small dinner. At another point, I had a boyfriend that cheated on me, and instead of leaving him behind to eat my "too good for him" dust, I thought I was too fat for him and began losing more weight. Towards my senior year of High School, while dating someone else who I "got comfortable" with, I put on some weight, after that the weight began barreling out of control because I no longer had swimming and I did not participate in many physically exerting activities.
I am 5'4". My weight at my lowest 115 lbs when I was a teenager. I don't ever expect to have my child body back, considering my body has matured into adulthood and that is basically an unobtainable and self destructive goal.
When I transferred to SUNY Potsdam I gained weight in 2006. I rocketed to 215lbs. After ending another relationship (which was also my most recent relationship, 6 years ago), I realized what had happened to my body in the meantime. Although I was quite aware the my bra size and pant size had been growing, I just pushed aside and focused on things that were "more important" at the time. After all this, I began eating healthier. I made friends who enjoyed walks at school and into town. I even lived up the hall from a friend who worked out regularly in the mornings and I'd got to the gym with her. Then, I took up a hobby in hiking for one of my summers.
In the summertime between my junior and senior year, I met a 29 year old amazing person. I don't think she could understand how truly inspiring she had become to me. Right off the bat, I poured my heart out to her. Which was probably from her aspect really weird. She explained a lot of things to me, got me motivated to do walking, showed me that she used a pedometer and we began challenging each other to walk more steps each day. She told me that her life hasn't been a basket full of sunshine and explained that she was not always healthy either. She inspired me to become a better person, especially when I was around her. Sadly, it was just a summer job and I didn't have her motivation year round. I started off my Senior year of college and for the most part ate a pretty healthy diet from what my roommates and I could afford and was down to 160lbs.
After college, I stopped taking care of myself. I moved into an apartment with a best friend. We partied all the time and I thought I was having the time of my life. I look back on the pictures now and I can't believe how little I took care of myself. My hair was a mess, I looked like crap. I probably felt like crap too from all the drinking we did. It seemed so fun at the time. I moved back home and got a car, which decreased the amount of walking I was doing. I ate full on fattening meals because that's what they served to the boys at the job I was working. I reached the weight of 205lbs, this past September 2010. At this point, I talked with my mom about wanting to lose weight. We looked into some diets and began eating the p90x diet (with plans of exercising).
This was about the time that I spiraled out of control with drinking and partying. I drank more times than a person should in a week. I would be hungover for work, I'd show up right on time, I woke up basically when I needed to leave. I didn't care about myself. At all, and then I got arrested.
At the point where I knew something had to change, I decided to trace back and think of how I could fix always feeling bad about how I look. I remembered how good I felt when I was walking that summer with my co-worker. I thought about how little I had exercised in the past year. I thought about how aggressive I was and how angry I was. I remembered that when I went to counseling for a brief time in college how they explained that it is important to incorporate exercise because it releases endorphins to raise levels of feeling happier in your life. The one thing I've always let slide and be put on the back burner is exercise. I've always blamed that I don't have a work out partner or a gym or this or that.
I've decided that I NEED to take accountability for my actions. If I need to work out, then I am the only person who can control that. Since the end of November 2010, I've been able to work out pretty much everyday. There have been a few days here and there where I took a break or had to many other things to do in the day that I did not get a chance but for the most part I have worked out everyday. I have been doing "Walk away the Pounds" DVD. I have a few other DVDs that are too intense at the moment and demotivate me. I figure that doing something is better than nothing and eventually my endurance will make me capable of taking on harder activities. I plan on working into being a runner in the spring time, which will take a lot of motivation and determination.
I started out the New Year weighing 185lbs. I've succeeded in losing 20lbs, just by making conscious healthier choices with the amount of food I eat along with incorporating exercise.
Everyday, I have an excuse in my head why I should not exercise. Everyday, I FORCE myself to tell myself, "Stop it and just do it". So far, I've been doing great, and most of me feels pretty good about it. Thinking about how much weight I have to go makes me sad sometimes, but I try my best to push these thoughts aside and push more positive and motivating thoughts in.
I can do this for myself and I will.
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