The start of change.

I hit rock bottom in October. I had began drinking at a very intense rate. I was having problems coping with issues that I had created for myself, and I thought that the only way I could have fun would be to drink. When I drank, I thought, I didn't have to think about my problems. Then, I created MORE problems for myself. I was arrested on October 12th, 2010 with an aggravated DWI. The following day, when I told my job, they explained that since I work with Children, they had to let me go. Bang, Bang.

I had a lot of trouble coping. At first, I thought of all the different things I could blame. I thought well, this wouldn't have happened if so and so wouldn't have done this to me. OR I wouldn't have gotten caught if they did this. I placed the blame on every outside source I possibly could. I cried for days, I argued, I pleaded. I was feeling the lowest I've ever felt.

I found a Lawyer and proceeded to take care of the pending court dates. I applied for unemployment. I did everything I could for the outside mess I had created, and still sat in a negative cloud of blaming others and everything else and leaving the heat off myself, while still feeling incredibly depressed.

I stayed up late one night, which actually had become a habit, staying up all night and sleeping all day. I knew that I did not want to continue this cycle. I knew I did not want to end up in this situation ever again. I knew that I wanted to not feel so defeated, so horribly depressed at only 23. So I vowed that I would have to make some changes. I would have to begin participating in healthy choices. I would have to chose to do things to make sure that I never do this to myself again. I pondered for hours, all of the things that had brought me down.

Yes, I was naming outside events and sources, but I realized after doing some research on alcoholism (which at this point I dabbled in the creations of becoming one). The main issue for alcoholics, and I honestly believe most depressed individuals, is that instead of focusing on the control we have on our lives, we focus on things we feel we do not have control over. We marinate in these thoughts of hatred and sadness, of anger and rage. I personally took no credit for anything that occurred to me. I had NO control over myself whatsoever, everything was bad to me and for me, and I was not letting any of it go.

Well, not until that night. I had decided to stop blaming other situations, other people, other sources for my emotions and actions. From this point on it was MY decision to be happy, to feel happy, to do good things. It was my decision to control situations I am involved in, to remove myself or continue on, to do anything I do. It is my own will, it is not controlled by any outside source, I am the cause and effect of all of my OWN choices and actions. NO ONE but ME is to blame or to credit for anything I have accomplished (or failed at) in my lifetime.

This process is taking time. Still, I find myself blaming instead of taking credit for my actions. At the end of the day, I think about it and I need to focus on just letting things go and stop focusing on the negative, take a step forward and a deep breath and make an action step to turn the negative into a positive. Apologize for reacting immaturely, take credit for my actions. Apologies only go so far, but in the process of fixing oneself, they are going to happen, and it's better to beat it to death instead of never letting anyone know that you know you were wrong.

So far, I've been able to make some very healthy changes. I have been working on not being defeated but being in control of myself and my actions and just making positive and happier choices. Now, that's the background of how I got here. I suppose I can begin documenting advice and struggles and how I've tried to overcome these problems. I'm using myself as a psychological experiment (I did study Psychology in College after all). I'm going to have to figure out if it is even possible to do, (experiment wise). Even if it's not, I still hope to document what I have done to overcome the phantoms of anger and depression in my head and just become the person I've always wanted to be.