To stay on track:

When I feel overwhelmed, I look to other sources for positivity. I am trying to remain on top of my a-game and am trying to stay positive even when negativity is kicking my teeth in. It is not easy. Here are some quotes that are helping me seek understanding.

"If you judge people, you have no time to love them."
— Mother Teresa

Some people in my life are having a tough time getting over my imperfections. They are constantly trying to drag me down and rub my face in my mistake. It's not helping me at all, and it makes sense that while they are doing this, judging me, they also do not have time to truly love me. It is not fair, but it is the way it is.

"It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you are not."
— André Gide

I suppose I must deal with people hating me for making my mistake. It is better for them to hate me for being a person with errors and imperfections, than being loved the way I was, unhappy and abusing alcohol to seek out happiness. When, now, with the realization that I was going down a dark and dangerous path, I can change and be happy and healthy. I'd rather be hated for making a mistake, then loved and continuing to hurt myself.

"It is never too late to be what you might have been."
— George Eliot

Just because things happen and you lose track, doesn't mean you can't ever get back on track. To err' is human. We can always be what we might have been. We can always be what we want to be.


"Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson

Bad things happen, it is up to us to move on and take each new day on with optimism and hope that things will get better. There is always a new day, and there is no reason to carry on with should have could have would haves of the past. The only thing we can change is now.


"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone."
— Bill Cosby

For as long as I live people will withhold expectations for me. Sometimes, I will be able to meet them. Sometimes I will not. Sometimes people will not be able to accept me as I am. I will not progress if I let these people falter or ruin my steps and if I try to change myself to please their needs.

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."
— Robert Frost

Although at times we may wish that life could stop and we could go back. Life moves forward. No matter what, life goes on. It continues, the best you can do is to move with it and do the best you can to make the future brighter.


"If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals."
— J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire)

People who treat those who are beneath them as they are crap, are not good people. People that treat those below them with respect and help them on their way, are good people.

Tuna Noodle Casserole

• 8 oz. dried medium noodles
• 16 oz package frozen whole or cut green beans
• 1/2 cup fine dry bread crumbs
• 2 tbsp butter or margarine
• 2 cups sliced fresh mushrooms
• 1 1/2 cups chopped red or green sweet pepper
• 1 cup chopped onion
• 1 cup sliced celery
• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• 2 10.75 oz cans condensed cream of mushroom or celery soup
• 1 cup milk
• 1 cup shredded process Swiss or American cheese
• 2 9.25 oz cans of tuna drained and flaked

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit. Cook noodles according to package directions, adding the green beans the last 3 minutes of cooking. Drain and set aside. Meanwhile, toss the bread crumbs with the 2 tablespoons melted butter; set aside.
1. In an extra large skillet melt 2 tablespoons butter over medium heat. Add mushrooms, sweet peppers, onion, celery, and garlic. Cook and stir until vegetables are tender. Add soup milk, and cheese, stirring until cheese is melted. Stir in tuna, cooked noodles, and green beans.
2. Spoon tuna mixture into a 3 quart casserole. Sprinkle bread crumb mixture around outside edge of casserole. Bake, uncovered, for 30-35 minutes or until baked through and bread crumbs are golden.
   

The Life Before Her Eyes

Okay, this post is going to include movie spoilers, so if you hate them and would like to watch the movie on your own first, then don't read the rest of this.

So, I decided I wanted to watch a movie this morning, opened up netflix and a movie they recommended was "the life before her eyes". It's a movie about a school shooting, perhaps I watched it a little too soon to the Tuscon events, but I cried my eyes out. I hate the idea of shootings. That all of these innocent people just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. I can't understand it. I don't know how any person has it in them to hurt another.

Okay so this movie is being shot back and forth between a teenage girl, and that girl as an adult. It's not as confusing like some of the movies with shot like this can be. You are well aware that it is the same girl and they are going back and forth between her life then and her life now.

It was a variety of different important events for the girl, and her learning experience. A quote that I feel needs to be brought up, "Conscience is the voice of God in the nature and heart of man." was delivered by a "professor" in the film. It is a quote that I truly believe in, and I believe the girl does as well. She is also very inspired by the her science teacher informing her, "And if there's anything I want you guys to take with you from this class, as you're abusing your bodies over break, is three things: the heart is the body's strongest muscle, that the brain has more cells in it than our galaxy has stars, and that the body is 72% water. So wherever you go over vacation, don't get too dehydrated.".

The main character during her teen years struggles a lot with her life. She passes through some very difficult situations, perhaps one falling in love with an older boy, who she has sex with. She becomes offended by the word slut and her best friend asks her if she is so offended by the term why does she does what she does? She explains that it was a choice made out of love, from her heart. She becomes pregnant and loses the baby, and ends up leaving the boy. I guess, she questions a lot. She struggles with believing the heart is the strongest muscle in the body, because hers hurts so badly from her loses. Also, her best friend if highly religious and a very good friend to her and she questions why she deserves such a good person in her life.

The main character during her adult life, raises her daughter with the professor she seen speak in her youth. She is a teacher, and she's trying to get through the 15 year anniversary of the school shooting. As she does many of the things through her daily life, she remembers bits and pieces of her past. Her daughter is becoming difficult. She finds her husband with another woman. She decides to visit the scene of the shooting with flowers.

At the end of the film, it ties the whole thing together. As she is walking to school as a teenager, she stops at a graveyard for children who haven't made it, there she stops at the post for her unborn child, Emma. This is the name of the child she has as an adult. As she is walking into the school as an adult, a student asks if she is a survivor and she should sit at a specific spot. She exclaims no and walks into the school to place flowers around. They replay the shooting scene, and the shooter asks them who will die. Originally Maureen said he should shoot her. As the scene passes, the main character tells him to shoot her, replaying the quote, "Conscience is the voice of God in the nature and heart of man". The idea here is that the teenage life was what she had already experienced, and the adult life would have been what she imagined would have been so. Right before the shooter killed her. That's what she experienced. The idea is caught with the title, being that people say when you die, your life flashes before your eyes.

Thought the movie was put together very well, especially for an independent film. Definite recommendation. I cried, a lot, which is not common with me and movies. I guess, it was just easy to make it real with the fact that this is what could really happen in one of these tragedies.

Florentine Chicken-Artichoke Bake

(From The Potluck Cookbook

7 cups dried bow tie pasta

1/4 cup of butter

2/3 cup chopped onion

4 eggs

2 1/2 cups milk

2 tsp dried Italian seasoning, crushed

1 tsp salt

1/2 tsp black pepper

4 cups chopped cooked chicken

4 cups of monterey jack cheese

2 14 oz can of artichoke hearts, drained and quartered

2 10oz packages of frozen chopped spinach, thawed and well drained.

1 cup oil packed dried tomatoes, drained and chopped.

1/2 cup Parmesan cheese

1 cup soft bread crumbs

1 tsp paprika

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit. Cook pasta according to package directions. Drain; set aside. Meanwhile, in a large skillet melt one half of the butter over medium heat. Add onion; cook and stir about 5 minutes or until tender. Remove from heat, set aside.
2. In a VERY LARGE BOWL, whisk together milk, eggs, and italian seasoning. Stir in chicken, monterey jack cheese, artichoke hearts, spinach, and tomatoes, and half of the Parmesan cheese. Toss with the cooked pasta and cooked onion mixture. Divide mixture into two 3 quart rectangular backing dishes. Cover with foil.
3. Bake for 20 minutes, meanwhile in a small saucepan, melt the remaining butter; Remove from heat. Stir in remaining Parmesan cheese, bread crumbs, and paprika. Sprinkle crumb mixture over pasta. Bake, uncovered, for 10 minutes more or until heated through.

My Two Cents:

1. THIS RECIPE IS FOR A POTLUCK SO FOR A SMALLER FAMILY PLEASE CUT IT IN HALF!!!
2. I used fresh baby spinach that was starting to get soggy and wilty in my fridge, you can microwave it and it will be just like the frozen stuff.
   
3. Bring a big appetite for this, it's delicious and really filling.

Overactive Imagination?

I cannot watch graphic movies that include crime/murder/horror. People can judge me all they want for it, but I can't help it. First of all I don't like thinking about horrible things happening to people. I can recognize that it exists, but that doesn't mean I want to think about it. If I do think about it, I will be consistently paranoid.

Recently, the my Dad has been on a crime kick about true stories of people who have been murdered. I cook and this stuff is on tv, so as much as I try, no matter what I am hearing about it and thinking about it...

So then, when people stop talking to me because they are annoyed or whatever... I automatically assume they have been murdered now! What the heck, weirdo! I am just letting my imagination take over, and assume some freaky stuff. I wish I wasn't like this, because it is seriously a bit much.

So, after a short talk with a friend, she talked me out of worrying so much... and told me to avoid these shows. Looks like I'll be listening to my ipod tonight while cooking.

Taco Pasta

(As From "The Potluck Cookbook")

4 oz dried penne

1 lb uncooked ground chicken

1/2 cup chopped onion

1 1/2 cups of water

1 1.25 oz envelope of taco seasoning mix

1 11oz can of whole kernel corn with sweet peppers (I found this in the store as "mexicorn")

1 cup of sliced pitted ripe olives

1 cup shredded cheddar cheese

1/2 cup salsa

1 4oz can of diced green chile peppers, drained

4 cups of shredded lettuce

tomatoes cut into thin wedges

Optional: Tortilla Chips & Sour Cream

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees Farenheit. Cook Pasta according to directions, drain and set aside.
2. Meanwhile in a large skillet cook ground chicken and onion, until meat is brown; drain the fat. Return to the skillet. Stir in the water and taco seasoning mix. Bring to boiling; reduce heat. Simmer, uncovered, for 2 minutes, stirring occasionally. Stir in the cooked pasta, corn, olives, half of the shredded cheese, salsa, and chile peppers.
3. Transfer mixture to a lightly greased 3-quart rectangular casserole. Bake, covered, about 45 minutes or until heated through. Remove from the oven; sprinkle with remaining cheese.
4. Serve with lettuce, tomato wedges, and if desired tortilla chips and sour cream.

My Two Cents:

1. Very easy to make!
2. Learned a new tip from my sister today, if you ever have a very potent onion, soak it in ice cold water for about 30 minutes, this helps get rid of that overpowering (and gross) taste.
   
3. I used more cheese, because I am a cheese addict.
   
4. The original recipe is actually double all the ingredients (it is for a potluck where you would want to make a lot) The amount I made would be good for a large family probably about 6 or 8 servings. If you have a smaller family, cut it in half again! YUMMY!
5. The book said this is a "kid favorite". Since I am a child stuck in an adults body, I can confirm that this is true so if you have some kid appetites to feed, hook them up with this!!
   

Make Yourself Feel Beautiful

I woke up this morning feeling low and down. I think it is a direct correlation with staying up until early morning (3am) and my mood. I decided to put on some make up and curl my hair (which I got cut yesterday) and do a mini photo-shoot of myself so I could feel pretty and get out of my nasty-ness. I also cooked dinner, but I didn't take pictures. It was a Spinach Chicken Roll Up. (Looks similar to chicken cordon bleu). I am glad I didn't take a picture because it wasn't tasty and I wouldn't recommend it.

Anyways, here is my photoshoot to feel better about myself. Enjoy, or don't, it's still here for people to look at.

Progress.

Well, I am not going to lie, this post started out as a completely negative post. I have found that on days I stay up past midnight, I wake up the next day (even after 8 hours of sleep) feeling lethargic and down. I lack motivation and I am easily upset, by little things. Not a fan! Anyways, so to avoid this from happening, I am going to start working on making sure I am asleep by midnight, no matter how engrossed in a book, television show, movie, or facebook I might be. I've already discussed that I have an issue with winding down, but I guess the issue has always been that I want to be one of those people that can go to bed at 9pm and wake up at like 5am. It just seems like the thing you're supposed to do as an adult. Reality is, I am never tired until at least 10pm, and aiming to be asleep by midnight still means I can wake up early (8 hours of sleep would be 8am) Blah blah blah. Who cares why am I writing so much about this.

So, as I started my day a grumpy monkey... I did multiple things to try and feel good. I took a long shower, and in the shower, I tried repeating in my head. "today is a good day, today is a good day, today is a good day". I wasn't really convinced but I was clean and relaxed. I ate some ramen noodles for breakfast, and caught up on two of my favorite shows... that was pretty fun... so then I decided to put on make up because I always like doing that and decided to take pictures of myself. It's weird, perhaps conceited, but I have been working like a mad dog to lose weight and feel good, so if in some pictures I feel pretty, it should help.

Talked to two lovely ladies from my past today.
Both of which reminded me the benefits of remaining positive, without actually telling me benefits, just talking about their lives motivated me to get back on track.

So here I am, rewriting what was a hateful post into a positive wahoo.

• I have decided to start working on 6 miles a day, when I was only doing 3 miles of walk away the lbs. So far, I've done it two days in a row. I took a day off, and then I did 3 miles today, tomorrow I will do 6 miles again.
• I have cut my hair again, and I used a "Brass Banisher" to help make it not so yellow from a box blond. I stayed away from touching my roots, and was hoping to tone down the blond in my hair right now so it wouldn't look so trashy as I grow out my hair to my natural color. (believe me, i might be blond but the blond I chose, is really really blond and the roots I have growing in almost really look tacky)
• I am trying to stay away from the scale so I cannot mark an progress on weight loss, just because the numbers right now are making me more sad than happy.
• I rewarded myself with some new movies VERSUS getting drinks at the bar. ( I have Valentine's Day, He's Just Not That Into You, and The Sweetest Thing en route to my house) (OH, plus a new book).

I guess that's about it, trying to think positively isn't always easy so I'm not really thinking of much else I've done that's good :) Have a nice day.

Imagine Cover by Sam Tsui

You can say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.

A negative with another negative must be a positive...

Since I've cleared my head of the rant of stigma against Mental Health, now I can run my mouth regarding politicians and their lack of brain cells when it comes to crisis.

Since the tragedy one week ago, I've seen politicians make ridiculous statements on how they are going to "fix" this situation. One of the first things I heard was one politician claimed he is going to carry his own fire-arm. Okay, great, if that helps you feel more protected and sleep better at night great! Can you please tell me what this is going to solve? Let's fight violence with more violence, yes, this makes complete sense to me.

I understand that most Americans feel it is their right to own, possess, have access to a gun. Whatever, cool, own a gun. How many people have done research to understand that our country is one of the highest ranking with murders caused by guns?? Although people may feel that it may not relate to them and their gun, how many people are aware of accidental homicides. Or How many are aware that their gun could end up in the wrong persons hands via theft? What about the children in the homes of the negligent parent?? Yes, unfortunately they exist (far more often than you think) and yes they most likely have a gun in their house. Whatever, who cares about those statistics, they only matter when it happens to you anyways...

Let's just think of the reality of this. Sure, we should have the right to guns. How come it is so ridiculously hard to get a loan for a car or a home, but it is so easy to get a gun? How come a person cannot easily get a car, which gets them to a job to PAY for a car and a home. Unless they are lucky enough to have a co-signer, or GREAT credit (which let's face it, barely anyone has). But, Anyone can easily walk into wal-mart or where ever and get a gun? Oh, well I guess it makes sense, so all of the homeless have something to protect themselves while they live on the streets... Right? Come on, THINK ABOUT IT! Make it harder to obtain a gun! I know this might piss some people off because then they might have to have the IQ of someone smarter than a fifth grader...Maybe then we won't have the "crazies" walking around shooting people up like it's their job. Just because they can't get a gun! Haha, wait what??? This sounds too simple... why would we make it harder to get a gun...Let all the fools run around with them... let's continue the trend of murders and be proud that we are a country who prides ourselves on FREEDOM and MURDER!!!!

Then, making comments on restricting freedom of speech?? Oh, because people so freely have been fighting and being negative. This must have caused Jared Loughner to act a fool and shoot them up. Especially since he posted a video that helped get him suspended about being ticked off that his college took away his freedom of speech. Get with it, Republicans and Democrats have opposing opinions, they have never gotten along and there has always been negative opinions and arguments between the two... this doesn't cause people to shoot people up. Encouraging and giving praise to arguments by offering more airtime on television to NEGATIVE things doesn't promote us to live with peace, but... it's not going to make people shoot people. Graphic video games and movies might increase people's aggression and desensitize them to murder and blood. Still, right and wrong is clearly defined for us all... we all know the reality... or we all should know reality...

but we live in a society that encourages violence, prioritizes this in media. we live in a society that does not support receiving appropriate treatment for health issues (including mental). we don't live in a society that encourages peace and trying to get along with others. We live in a society that likes to place blame and look at things in retrospect with anger and disappointment rather than take responsibility and look to the future with hopes of preventing these feelings from occurring again.

Ah, educated politicians, you are fools when it come to crisis.
The message you have delivered to me is when something bad happens it is best to think like a fool and blame the easiest scapegoat. Take the first exit and ignore the future.

Pursuit of Happiness- KiD CuDi

Did KiD CuDi seriously write the anthem to my generation?

The war on stigma

I originally wrote this and realized that the main issue of my rant was not clearly being stated and I was getting confusing with other issues I debated throughout my rant. So here is my second try and hopefully this time my words are much clearer.

Recently our country faced a devastating tragedy where a 22 year old male decided to walk into a supermarket and shot 19 people, killing 6 and injuring 13. A week has passed since the tragic event and I’ve watched the news cover the story faithfully, searching for answers. Here we are again, another shooting in America, and we are looking for something or someone to blame.

Terry Newell, in his article for The Huffington Post, states, “The question of responsibility can quickly lead to invective instead of insight. That has already begun in the typical attempt to fix blame. But blame is not the same as responsibility. Blame, derived from the Latin blashemare, means "to rebuke, reprimand, condemn, criticize." Responsible, derived from the Latin responsus, means "to be morally accountable for one's actions." Blame is a one way focus on what others have done. Responsibility is a two-way conversation on what we owe to each other. If we seek to fix blame instead of responsibility, we take the mentally easy way out. The former requires only anger. The latter requires fact, analysis, and empathic dialogue”. Newell’s words could not be more true or ingenious. We can hastily and easily place blame on everything around us, we can out of anger and remorse push off the blame onto this or that instead of taking responsibility for the course of action that was taken. Blame is a quick fix, responsibility would require us to think about what we should do from now on.

With that in mind, let’s turn to where my concern sets in. Like I’ve mentioned, I’ve tuned into the news and watched them jump the gun to blame this and to blame that. One thing I have seen blamed was the fact that Jared L. Loughner has psychological issues, the possibility of schizophrenia or bipolar. Okay, so it has already begun, blaming a mental health issue rather than taking responsibility for their being a huge deficit in the care of mental health.

First, I want to mention that we already have a huge stigma against mental health disorders. People have been unfortunately raised to think that a mental health diagnosis makes you “crazy”, and who wants to be categorized as crazy. The worst part is, no one realizes that each and every person has some sort of mental obstacle to overcome. No one has a perfect brain, no one functions 100% perfectly. We all learn to deal with our mental obstacles differently, some of us are better at it than others. Some of us need to seek out help from counselors and psychiatrists. There shouldn’t be a stigma against seeking out help for these issues, we all have them. Now, we can be afraid to be diagnosed with something that Jared L. Loughner had, and that we will end up just like him if we are diagnosed with it. It would be better to just pretend otherwise so we don’t have to be judged negatively.

I can say that I have a lot of experience within the mental health field within my professional and personal life. I have met more than a handful of people who self-medicate with the use of alcohol and other illegal drugs. Heck, I’ve even known people to take other people’s prescriptions of anti-depressants because they couldn’t go to the doctor themselves. When ever I’ve brought up seeking out a real counselor, people will insinuate they don’t need to, there is nothing wrong with them. Yet, day in and day out they are seeking escapes through drug abuse? Then I’ve seen the other end of the spectrum, the people who seek out help but receive treatment regimens that are never going to help them. I worked with children with mental illnesses and I seen so many that were put on high dosages of medications that made them drool and lack coherency. So we either aren’t seeking and getting treatment or are receiving treatment that isn’t going to help the problem.

So there are articles and suggestions for parents to help seek out professional help for their children to prevent another Jared L. Loughner from happening. That surely is great and hopefully eventually would work, but right now we lack professionals capable or willing to actually work on the problems our children and people have. They’d rather we give the quick fix of medication, so we can end up with scenarios like Michael Jackson, a mentally ill individual dying of a drug overdose because his doctor prescribed a handful of medications and never thought for a second that there could be a consequence of an early death. Sure, some people do need medications to regulate the neurotransmitters in their brain, but, beyond that turning any person into a medicated zombie is just unnatural and unnecessary.

The most interesting part of this whole scenario, at least to me, is that it is constantly brought up that yes, Jared L Loughner (oh and PLENTY OTHERS) slipped through the mental health system. There were several reports from the staff at the community college where Mr. Loughner attended that clearly showed that there was fear that he could harm others. SEVERAL REPORTS and attempts for Mr. Loughner to receive an evaluation. However, he slipped through the cracks because our laws can only force this upon someone if he is a direct threat to causing self-harm or harm to another. When will America learn that have such loose laws is just going to continue with people like Jared L. Loughner or Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold to be able to continue without receiving appropriate medical attention for their mental health issues. I’ve personally been involved in situations in a work scenario, where I’ve called the police because a child was acting in a harmful way and needed an evaluation but because he did nothing to hurt himself or another (yet), there was nothing they could do. What is that? Who are we really helping by doing this?

Until we raise awareness, until we stop the stigma against mental health issues, We will never truly get people the help they need. We will never truly take responsibility for what needs to be done, what hasn’t been done, what our mental health professionals should be doing and aren’t. Until then, we will continue to see this trend increase and continue to experience these unfortunate tragedies. If you are reading this, do yourself a favor and educate yourself. Become aware and support the cause for Mental Health. We should support and love each other, and that means accepting each other even if we need help. We do owe taking this responsibility to each other.

Sweet-and-Sour Chicken

(As found in Taste of Home Guilt Free Cooking)

• 1/2 pound boneless skinless chicken breast, cut into strips
• 1 medium carrot, sliced
• 1/4 cup chopped onion
• 1 1/2 teaspoons canola oil
• 1 small zucchini
  
• 1 cup snow peas
• 1/2 medium sweet red or green pepper, cut into strips
• 3 tablespoons sugar
• 2 tablespoons cornstarch
• 1/8 teaspoon pepper
• 1 can (6 ounces) pineapple juice
• 3 tablespoons ketchup
• 2 tablespoons lemon juice
• 2 tablespoons reduced sodium soy sauce
• 1 can unsweetened pineapple chunks, drained
• 2 cups hot cooked rice

1. In a non-stick skillet, cook the chicken, carrot and onion in oil until the chicken is browned. Add the zucchini, peas, and red pepper; cook and stir until vegetables are crisp-tender.
2. In a bowl, combine sugar, cornstarch, pepper and pineapple juice until smooth. Stir in the ketchup, lemon juice and soy sauce. Pour over chicken mixture. Add the pineapple. Bring to a boil; cook and stir for 2 minutes or until thickened. Serve over rice.

My Two Cents:

1. The sauce flavor was the closest I've gotten to "take out Chinese" sweet and sour sauce. So thumbs up
2. Problem: I wish the sauce was more red and colorful on the rice, that's all.
3. Taste wise, it was scrumptious.
   

Stuffed Cornish Hens and Confetti Barley Pilaf

(Both recipes as found in Taste of Home Guilt Free Cooking)

Stuffed Cornish Hens:

• 1/ 2 cup chopped celery
• 1/4 cup sliced fresh mushrooms
• 2 tablespoons butter
• 1 package (6 ounces) fast-cooking long grained and wild rice mix
• 1 can (14.5 ounces) reduced- sodium chicken broth
• 1/4 cup water
• 2/3 cup sliced water chestnuts, chopped
• 1/2 cup dried cranberries
• 1/2 cup chopped green onions
• 2 tablespoons reduced- sodium soy sauce
• 5 Cornish Game Hens (20 ounces each)

1. In a large saucepan coated with cooking spray, cook celery and mushrooms in butter until tender. Stir in rice; cook 1 minute longer. Stir in the contents of the rice seasoning packet, broth and water. Bring to a boil, reduce heat and cover and simmer for 5-6 minutes or until rice is tender. Stir in the water chestnuts, cranberries, onions and soy sauce. Stuff into hens.
2. Place on a rack in a shallow roasting pan. Bake at 375 degrees for 50-60 minutes or until the juices run clear and a meat thermometer inserted into stuffing reads 165 degrees. Cut each Hen in half length wise and serve.

Confetti Barley Pilaf:

• 1 large onion, finely chopped
• 1 garlic clove, minced
• 1 tablespoon canola oil
• 1 cup medium pearl barley
• 1 cup sliced fresh mushrooms
• 1/2 cup shredded carrots
• 1/2 cup coarsely shredded cabbage
• 1/2 cup chopped sweet pepper
  
• 1 teaspoon dried basil
• 1 teaspoon dried oregano
• 1/2 cup chicken broth

1. In a large nonstick skillet, saute the onion and garlic in oil until tender. Add the barley; saute for 3-5 minutes or until lightly browned. Add the mushrooms, carrot, cabbage, red pepper, basil and oregano. Cook and stir until the vegetables are crisp-tender, about 3 minutes
2. Stir in broth, bring to a boil. Reduce heat; cover and simmer for 40-45 minutes or until liquid is absorbed and barley is tender.

My Two Cents:

1. You cannot see the confetti barley pilaf that well in my picture, but it is separate from the stuffed Cornish hens. I would not serve these two together because the stuffing from the hens is enough for a side dish and the stuffing clashes with the flavor of the pilaf
2. Hens are a pain in the bum to cut up and eat, but they are DELICIOUS! So, I would recommend.
3. I had a little difficulty with all the juices being soaked up for both the Hen stuffing and for the barley pilaf... recommend removing from heat.
   

Friends that send you reminders...

Today, in the mail, I received a beautiful little card from Zoila, one of my college roommates and dearest friends. Unfortunately with the rise in use of the internet and technology, people have forgotten how truly amazing it is to receive a special thing in the mail. Such as a letter, a card, a postcard, a box of treats, anything that let's you know that although separated by miles and bodies of water you are in someone's thoughts. Sure, this can be done with an e-mail or a post on someone's facebook wall, but there is something so much more significant in a handwritten, postmarked letter.

Included in this card was a quote that Zoila has found timelessly rewarding and inspiring. Anne Dillard wrote in her novel Pilgrim at Tinker Creek, "The shadow’s the thing. Outside shadows are blue, I read, because they
are lighted by the blue sky and not the yellow sun. Their blueness bespeaks infinitesimal particles scattered down inestimable distance. Muslims, whose religion bans representational art as idolatrous, don’t observe the rule strictly; but they do forbid sculpture, because it casts a shadow. So shadows define the real. If I no longer see shadows as “dark marks,” as do the newly sighted, then I see them as making some sort of sense of the light. They give the light the distance; they put it in its place. They inform my eyes of my location here, here O Israel, here in the world’s flawed sculpture, here in the flickering shade of the nothingness between me and the light."

A true friend sent this to remind me that the "joy, happiness, sweetness, and lightness of our lives are made possible by unhappiness, bitterness, and darkness. The darkness carefully gives form to the art that is life".

This is so true, what is seen by the human eye, is only truly seen because it is defined by the shadows. Our character, our life, our story cannot be defined by only good and happy moments (the light), but also by the low and bad moments (the dark). Good or Bad, where ever your life might be, every moment is essential to the final product, that is the story of our lives, the character we become.

(and for Zoila, if you read this, I wrote this response while listening to Queen- Bohemian Rhapsody, not purposely but it happened to play on my play list and I feel like that may have been destiny)

"Be the Change you want to see in the World"

Throughout my life, I have always been a reader. I have always enjoyed the power of words. In high school, I began obsessing and collecting powerful and inspiring quotations. I am sure this is similar to lots of other people. It has to be quite popular of an activity if there are so many websites and books dedicated to collections of quotes to inspire others.

When I am weak, and I cannot find a single thought in my head that will suffice to keep me moving on, I search through the words and wisdom of others. Sometimes, I find strength in the Bible. The Bible itself has timeless quotations and stories, that have without a doubt helped millions (millions being an understatement) of people survive some of their weakest moments or their trials of tribulation. There are also famous people who have used their words to help guide others, without being aware that for years, even centuries, to come the words would continue to push people to strive for the best, to gain strength within, to remember what is always worth remembering.

Recently, as I've mentioned, I have come to a crossroad. I have been stuck at this intersection for quite sometime, and I've thought to myself that it will just happen, I will just go and I won't have to do anything, it will just happen. I watch others, face similar problems, they just don't know what to do and they just don't know what needs to be done, but they know that there is something else out there and they hope and they pray it will just come to them. I empathize, I understand, I get it. I've waited, I've hoped, and I've prayed that someday the answer will come and I will know the solution to my every problem.

Then, I stumbled across a quote I have always adored.

"Be the change you want to see in the world." -Mahatma Ghandi

Now, sure, I've always read this and thought, well hey if I want something to be a certain way, I should lead by demonstration. Kind of, Do unto others as you want done to you or, hope that Monkey See Monkey Do. Sure, this is true. If you want people to do things, you cannot be a hypocrite and you need to do them too.

Then, I realized, that Mahatma Ghandi wasn't really telling me to be the leading monkey in the circus! Ghandi has been telling me, that if I want something to change, if I NEED something to change, I HAVE TO BE THE ONE WHO DOES IT. I cannot wait for the world to change it for me, I have to be that change. How wonderful, how inspiring. How come I never saw this before, how come everybody does not understand the simple rule to getting what you want in this world. We have become so lazy, we have become SO HELPLESS. Maybe I should blame Disney for putting the idea that I may struggle but my prince will come rescue me in the end. I don't know why I have always thought that I could just do nothing and that the change I need, the answer I have been searching for would just APPEAR out of thin air? We are all fools thinking that we don't have to work for what we want. If you are reading this now, and you are unhappy, and you are not getting what you want from life, and you are searching for answers and you are just so lost in a world that you fear you won't EVER understand. DO SOMETHING. DO ANYTHING.

You have to be the change, you have to make the change, you have to DO the change.
and no matter who you are, what you do, what you have done, what you have gone through, you are capable of everything and anything. We are beautiful and wonderful creations and even though we all face obstacles and desperation and helplessness we are designed to push and fight and to make it through.

We often forget that although we might not all be writers, and we might not feel we have control over things... We are the authors of our own stories and if we want something to happen, we have to be the ones who make it happen. So, please, stop your suffering yourself, stop hoping and wishing that it will come to you. Make the change, make mistakes, keep running trials and experiments with your life and if it fails, try and try again. Remember, life is all trial and error, and if you don't keep trying and doing, you will be the one to blame when your final chapter ends and you still feel like the story was missing something.

Autumn Pot Roast

(As from Taste of Home Guilt Free Cooking)

• 1 boneless beef rump roast (about 3 pounds), tied

• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1/4 teaspoon pepper
• 3 teaspoons canola oil
• 3/4 c. fresh or frozen cranberries
• 1/2 c. water
• 1/4 c. sugar (Side note: I always replace with splenda, but also I am sure you can use the healthier form of sweetner of Agave Nectar if you are cutting back on sugar, preparing for diabetic, or just don't like to use real sugar)
• 1 cup reduced sodium beef broth
• 1/3 cup prepared horseradish, drained
• 1 cinnamon stick
• 3 whole cloves
• 16 pearl onions
• 2 medium sweet potatoes (about 1 1/2 lbs), peeled and cut into 1/4 inch cubes
• 16 baby carrots
• 4 teaspoons cornstarch
• 2 tablespoons cold water
• YOU WILL ALSO NEED A CHEESECLOTH
  

1. Sprinkle meat with salt and pepper. In a Dutch Oven, brown meat in oil. Drain and remove from the heat. In a large saucepan, combine cranberries, water and sugar. Cook and stir over medium heat until cranberries, water and sugar. Cook and stir over medium hear until cranberries pop and liquid is slightly thickened, about 8 minutes. Remove from the heat.
2. Add the broth and horseradish; pour over meat. Place cinnamon stick and cloves in a double thickness of cheesecloth; bring up corners of cloth and tire with kitchen string to form a bag. Add to Dutch Oven. Cover and bake at 325 degrees for 2 hours.
3. Meanwhile, in a large saucepan, bring 6 cups of water to boil. Add pearl onions; and boil for 3 minutes. Drain and rinse in cold water; peel and set aside. Add sweet potatoes to dutch oven. Cover and cook 15 minutes longer. Add Carrots and Onions; cover and cook for 30-40 minutes more or until vegetables and meat are tender. Remove meat and vegetables; keep warm. Discard Spice Bag.
4. Cool pan juices for 10 minutes; transfer to a blender. Cover and process until smooth; return to pan. Combine cornstarch and cold water until smooth. Gradually whisk into pan juices. Bring to a boil; cook and stir for 1-2 minutes or until thickened. Serve with meat and vegetables.

My Two Cents:

1. Definitely goes with its name, the cranberries and sweet potato combination are very autumn like and sweet.
2. Unique gravy which is sweeter than other gravies... mine did not get thick enough, might need more cornstarch?
3. TIP: do not multitask, sear the meat and leave the room to get something else. I set off my fire alarm today because I left the room and it started smoking up the kitchen! Bummer!
4. I did not have cheesecloth so I found some gauze (like medical gauze) and went "ghetto" or "macguyver" style into this... and it worked just fine haha.
   

Prevention Vs. What Makes Money

First and Foremost, I am sure this post is or may seem highly political. As mentioned prior, I do not feel it is fair for someone to hold against me what I have written. I am not stating my political party or my poilical stances within the upcoming statement I will be making. If you feel it necessary to draw conclusions about my character based upon what I will be saying, that is your choice. I personally do not judge or care what any other person believes in for a personal political party, I love to hear opinions, but I will not walk away from a single person because there beliefs differ from mine. I love people, and nothing will stop my love for people. So, please treat my opinions with the same regards, disagree if you feel it necessary, there is no problem with a disagreement, but don't hold it against me.

As of recently, I've faced a lot of issues with the criminal system. I truly am to blame for the decision I made, to drink and drive, and thus I am willing to pay the price and face the consequences of my actions. However, I have seen some faults within the justice system that we are dealing with today.

Well, for one, after some research I found that the punishment for DWI's (especially in NY state) are extremely strict. Government states that they hope to inconvenience and hopefully really teach a lesson to those committing this crime. I agree, please do, make my life hell, this is not a subject that should EVER be taken lightly. However, I did research and have heard personal stories of people with crimes of a nature with narcotic substances, illegal drugs, etc. The punishment for that crime is not as severe. I think perhaps, drinking and driving is a crime that is easier to catch and therefore there are more cases in the court system and in an attempt to lower those rates because it is pertinent that there is an issue they are increasing the punishment. Okay, yes, there is an issue so increasing punishment can help prevent it from reoccurring... but is paying so much attention to this and letting people slide with crimes with ILLEGAL DRUGS and letting them slide through the system, is that really helping the issue we face with drug crimes (gangs, violence, overdoses, drug abuse, the making of illegal drugs, the abuse of prescription drugs, etc.) Yes, it isn't as prevalent in the court system so it's not going to be looked at as much to prevent, but really? Something seems wrong about that...

Well then second, they say, they want to prevent deaths to the people who are hit by drunk drivers. They are concerned with the well being of society and safety. They want to reduce the risks of more victims from being hurt by drunk motorists. They have laws such as Leandra's Law, which was implemented to save the lives of children. Unfortunately, a child (Leandra Rosado) was killed in an accident because she was being transported in a vehicle where the driver was drunk. I agree, please, make convictions worse because children are losing lives and getting hurt, especially to those who are DRIVING with CHILDREN in their vehicles. THAT IS MESSED UP. (This law is now making it so people convicted of drinking and driving need to put interlock ignitions in their vehicles, fora minimum of 6 months) An interlock ignition is a device that in order to start your vehicle you need to blow into a device that detects if there is alcohol in your system or not. This is GREAT. Please, do. I agree that this is a great invention and should be used! I especially agree with harsh punishments for those convicted of driving drunk, including myself.

The problem I have with this, is that they are creating laws to punish those convicted much harsher and raising fines because of specific cases in the past, such as Leandra's case. I feel horribly that this has happened, and continues to happen. I believe justice should also be reached for this poor girl and the other victims who have been injured, lost their lives, etc at the expense of a person who is stupid and careless enough to drink and drive. However, if this is justice, and is in fact trying to reduce the rates of drinking and driving, why are we not doing anything to PREVENT drinking and driving from occurring. Okay, we now have a device that you HAVE to blow into to make sure there is no alcohol in your system to start your car. WHY IS THIS NOT BEING PUT INTO EVERY VEHICLE? Sure, it sounds cumbersome. People will say this is an infringement onto their rights, and is imposing into their lives, etc. Sure, whatever, if I wasn't convicted of this, and I didn't drink and drive, or drink at all, I would be kind of annoyed with the idea, probably pissed. But the bigger picture isn't that not everyone drinks and not everyone drinks and drives, but that a lot of people do. A LOT OF PEOPLE DRINK AND DRIVE AND GET AWAY WITH IT, which eventually becomes HABIT and HABITS is raising the RISK OF SOMEONE ELSE GETTING HURT. THE BIG PICTURE HERE IS THAT WE SHOULD PREVENT IT FROM HAPPENING AT ALL. Okay, and yes, it will still happen. I am sure of it, and when it does and they get caught, then the penalty should be huge!

The thing is, DWIs being the crime that every night at least 10 people in every town get arrested with, would make the most money for our government... and if they prevented the crime from happening, they would also be losing ALL THIS MONEY they are making... So really, government, do you care that a child's life was risked or lost and want to prevent it from happening to someone else, or are you just looking for ways to get more money...???

FOOTNOTE: Please don't get the message mixed here, I am not complaining because of the penalties I am facing. I believe I deserve every penny I have to spend, every month I have to go without my license, every job I cannot get because of my license, anything I have to put in my vehicle because I was stupid and selfish and broke the law. I deserve that. I do. But, since this has occurred to me, I have done hours and hours of reading on this, I am sadly disappointed that justice is not a way of preventing negative in the future, saving lives, etc... justice is another form of making more money.

Light Chicken Cordon Bleu

(As found in Taste of Home Guilt Free Cooking)

• 8 Boneless skinless chicken breast halves (4 ounces each)

• 1/2 teaspoon of pepper
• 8 slices of deli ham
• 1 1/2 cups of shredded part-skim Mozzerella cheese
  
• 2/3 cup of fat-free milk
• 1 cup crushed cornflakes
• 1 teaspoon paprika
• 1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
• 1/4 teaspoon salt

Sauce:

• 1 can (10 3/4 oz) reduced-fat reduced sodium condensed cream of chicken soup (undiluted)
• 1/2 cup of fat-free sour cream
• 1 teaspoon lemon juice

1. Flatten chicken to 1/4 inch thickness. Sprinkle with pepper; place ham slice and 3 tablespoons of cheese down the center of each piece. Roll up and tuck in ends; secure with toothpicks. Pour milk in a shallow bowl. In another bowl combine crushed cornflakes, paprika, garlic powder, and salt. Dip chicken into milk, and then roll in crumbs.
2. Place in a 13 in x 9 in x 2 in baking dish coated with cooking spray. Bake, uncovered, at 350 degrees for 25-30 minutes or until juices run clear.
3. Meanwhile, in a small saucepan, whisk the soup, sour cream, and lemon juice until blended; heat through. Discard the toothpicks from chicken; serve with sauce.

My Two Cents:

1. Alright, "flattening the meat" was a GREAT stress reliever, I recommend this meal when you are really mad and what to hammer the hell out of something. if you are unfamiliar with the flattening meat process, you use a mallet, one side is flat and the other has pointed edges on it. I was told to use the side with edges because it helps break the muscle and makes the meat tender. Also, I wouldn't have known this without help, so put the meat in a plastic bag, so that when you're beating it... the juices don't splatter everywhere (easier clean up!)
2. GREAT USE FOR STALE CORNFLAKES. I used stale ones, and it was NOT and I REPEAT NOT noticeable AT ALL! AND THEN I forgot to put the seasonings into the crushed cornflakes, so I ended up sprinkling them on top which MAY have made a difference but I didn't think it tasted bad so it still worked out.
   
3. All around, I thought this was DELICIOUS. If you make anything I have posted this is the one you should make.
4. Preparation of the meat and rolling the product took like 20 minutes, it was a breeze! NOTE: it took me a lot longer than 20-30 minutes to cook the meat all the way through, so if you are in fact trying to time it to be done at a specific time, add room for a possible 20-25 minutes more. I needed about 20 minutes. (I may have needed to flatten the meat a little more).
5. Also, ALSO: THE SAUCE IS A MUST! (sorry it was not in my picture) It really pulled the meal together, I didn't personally try this but I think the sauce would even taste well on rice or maybe some potatoes, if you need a nice side dish to go with this!
6. Enjoy! (OH AND FINAL NOTE I DID NOT NEED 8 I MADE 6, which was enough for 3 people to have 2 meals)!
7. The reviews from my family were all positive as well, this is an easy recipe that tastes good for a somewhat "classier" meal, so you can make this and impress some folks if you are up for that task :)
   

Damien Rice- Cannonball

Beautiful Music makes the world go around, forever.

Routine

I was stumbling through some research and I found a lot of different studies have incorporated routine into making processes easier. For instance, I have a very troubled sleeping pattern. Some nights, I stay up until 5 or 6 o'clock in the morning. Other nights, I'm out like a light bulb at 11pm. The night before my civil service exam, I was out at 8pm! There are also times where I sleep, or try to sleep, and I wake up every so often, roll around, get re-adjusted and try to fall back asleep, or nights where I am "asleep" but still thinking, so when I wake up, my mind never got it's rest.

My wake-up routine is pretty down pat. We have two different scenarios. The first being, I have to get up and attend work/meeting/appointment/ an outside obligation. My alarm will be set, and ready to go. Once the beeping starts going off, I can either not recognize it for 10 minutes and then get up or recognize it, and hit snooze (probably hit snooze about 5 more times). I always have to set my alarm way ahead of when I am planning on getting up or else, I will be late because of my relationship with the snooze button. When I have gotten sick of pressing snooze, I decide it's time to roll out of bed. The other scenario would be, I have no obligations (at least not in the morning) and I can wake up whenever I want to. I usually wake up throughout the night for moments, but once I realize there is light out I will check my clock to see the time. Usually if it's before 8 o'clock in the morning, I'm rolling over and catching some more dreams. Usually, that's like my "snooze button" for my non-alarm, I will wake up again by 10am. At this point, I will decide it is late enough and roll out of bed. (Sometimes however, I can wake up as late as 1pm or 2pm depending on how late it was the night before when I finally fell asleep).

When I leave my room, I immediately take a bathroom stop. A full night of sleep and my body will usually amount to a very full bladder! After this is done, I wash my hands and head out to the coffee machine. I'll set it up and get some coffee going, and at this point my feet will be attacked by my little lion in-training kitty. She meows and rubs up against me for as long as it takes to remind me that she is starving and needs a tablespoon of wet food. I give her a lovely breakfast and grab my cup of coffee and head back to my room where I sit on my laptop and update myself on News and Friends Updates on their Facebook (Sad, but true). At this point I can do this for about 45 minutes, (If I have somewhere to be it will be shorter depending on how long I snoozed for). I will finish 2 cups of coffee. I will then head to the bathroom, I will either shower if there is enough time, or pull my hair back appropriately until it looks nice (or perfectly sloppy), brush my teeth, do a quick wash of the face, apply some lotion, and if need be I will apply foundation and mascara. Sometimes, because I am not much of a morning person and most mornings if I have somewhere to be I don't wake up on time, I won't apply make up at all (unless it's a job interview or something I need to look nice for, in which case I will have anxiety and would have been up early enough to do my hair and make up). If I am free of obligation I will relax in a very hot shower for far too long, you know, until my fingers are prune-like and my muscles are so soft from the heat I'm like a bowl of jello. I will then brush my teeth, apply lotion. Then from there, it is time to leave or time to figure out what I will do with my day.

I generally do not eat breakfast. I go through phases where I am really hungry in the morning and will add in a little breakfast scene, but most of the time I pass by without doing so. I've read various articles regarding how unhealthy this is, but I'm not going to eat unless I am hungry, and in the morning I can be so tired I will be nauseous. I am not going to add fuel to any stomach being upset, so I guess I will have to deal with those consequences of being unhealthy.

As for my night routine, I haven't quite got it down to a science. I have recently begun exercising at 8pm. I do this because this is when the television in my living room becomes free. I read in some more research that exercise should not be done so close to bedtime, because it is stimulating to the body, however exercise is supposed to help you sleep. I have no other choice but to wait until 8pm, so I have to deal with the possible stimulation of my brain and muscles. After this I either take a bath (and don't wash my hair) or sit on the computer. I read that taking a bath is great because it makes you hot but when you get out, your temperature drops which simulates the process of sleeping. (In case you didn't know, when you sleep your body temperature drops). They explained that watching television and playing on your computer is also stimulating and should be avoided. They explained that the lighting from the screens releases chemicals in the brain to stay awake. This makes sense to me, but I am extremely addicted to technology, so I have to definitely fight the urge to endlessly roam the deep surfaces of the internet. More studies stated that relaxing and reading books before bed helps get the brain ready for the REM cycle. I agree that a book does not have a bright screen, but I have found myself not able to put a book down until it is finish, causing me not to go to bed (which I think is very stimulating). So what can I do before bed to engage my body to relax? I have a new heated forehead compress. You can use it to reduce tension headaches, but also it is supposed to be used for meditation, resting, and napping. Perhaps I should begin a cycle of meditation, like mentioned in my last post, practice the art of controlling my thoughts, control my mind, and relax my self into a nice sleeping coma. Oh, what I also found was mentioned often in all of these various articles, was creating a night time routine will also prepare your body for sleep. For example, washing your face and brushing your teeth every night triggers your mind to know it is bed time.

I would site my sources for others to gain further information but I never intended for this to be a formal researched assignment. I was just merely trying to post somethings that I've read that could be affecting my sleeping patterns, and not in any way trying to steal anyone's words or work. I cannot take credit for any of the information regarding sleep, the only thing I can claim is mine is the morning routine and anything I wrote that was a personal note for myself. I don't even know how scientifically credited any of the articles I came across were, I was just looking for ideas on how to change my bad sleeping habits. Perhaps in the future, I'll conduct a more credited piece of research regarding sleeping patterns.

Yoga

This picture is, in my opinion, the best Polaroid picture I have taken. This was in 2008, the conclusion of our fall semester together. Here are two people I spent the most time with for an entire year of my life. These two were always breaking into random moments of practicing yoga. They did it almost symmetrically, choreographed together like great dance partners.

My personal experience with Yoga was short-lived. Zoila had told me for a long time that it was amazing and that I should take a class and I figured it was an easy grade for a physical education class.

I was right about the easy grade. What I didn't know was that I was going to learn more about myself in that class than I had expected. How I cannot even describe in words what profound feelings that meditation while posing your body generated. I balanced, I focused, I breathed, I cleared my thoughts, I relaxed. My body felt healthier too, learning to move in new ways, stretching muscles and bones and ligaments that I'd probably let go far too long without minding them any attention or love. I had a feeling without the structure of the classroom, I would lose touch with meditating like this. I think it has been almost over 2 years since I've done a Sun Salutation.

I am not sure if anyone else enjoyed the book, "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. I had a lot of people tell me they thought it was dry. I found that Elizabeth's search for life answers was intriguing and found that her Pray section was the most interesting (regarding India). Elizabeth Gilbert said, "You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That's the only thing you should be trying to control". I think this was the most valuable part of Yoga to me, for once in my life, I allowed my head to go completely blank, which I think Elizabeth had even at one point struggled with. I have just realized that to succeed, to survive, to be okay with yourself you need to have control, and the one thing you will always have control of is your mind (or at least you should).

Reminder.

I took this in October. I went there a few times this fall to clear my head and walk around for exercise. Ever since I was a child, I have visited Keewaydin State Park, and I even worked there for two summers of my adulthood as well. This is the foundation of an old hotel that was located where the park is now. I am not sure if it was never fully developed or if it was taken down and some of the foundation remains. However, it's beautiful and my favorite hidden treasure at the park. Timeless, a place that has been left behind and practically forgotten. However, I know that I will always remember this staircase.

Metric- Gimme Sympathy (Official Video)

"Oh seriously, you're gonna make mistakes, you're young, come on baby, play me something, like here comes the sun..."

Banana Split Cheesecake

(As found in Taste of Home Guilt Free Cooking)

1 can (8 oz) unsweetened crushed pineapple, divided

2 medium firm bananas, sliced

1 reduced fat graham cracker crust

1 package (8oz) fat-free cream cheese

1 1/2 cups of pineapple sherbert (softened)

1 package (1 oz) sugar free instant vanilla pudding mix

1 carton 8 ox frozen fat reduced whopped topping; thawed and divided

4 Maraschino Cherries (divided)

1 Tablespoon chocolate syrup

1 Tablespoon caramel topping

1 tablespoon chopped pecans

1.) Drain pineapple, reserving juice. In a small bowl, combine bananas and 2 tablespoons reserved juice; Let stand for 5 minutes. Drain bananas and make a layer over the bottom of the crust; Set Aside.

2.) In a large bowl, beat cream cheese and 2 tablespoons reserved pineapple juice. Gradually beat in pineapple sherbet. Then gradually beat in vanilla pudding mix for about 2 minutes longer. Refrigerate 1/3 cup of pineapple topping and fold remaining pineapple into cream cheese mixture. Then fold in 2 cups of the whipped topping. Spread evenly over banana slices. Cover and freeze until firm. (IMPORTANT)

3.) Remove from freezer 10-15 minutes before serving. Chop three maraschino cherries and pat dry. Arrange pineapple and cherries around edge of pie and drizzle with chocolate and caramel. Dollop remaining whipped topping in the center and top with the chopped pecans and remaining cherry.

I made this for my mom's birthday, (yesterday January 5th, 2011). It was great, but I didn't let it get firm so it was kind of a mess when serving. Also, I used more cherries than she said to, and next time I make this I am setting aside a little more than 1/3 of a cup of pineapples. I recommend this for a summer day, although, if it melts to fast it will be a mess. It is a great cold treat though!

Cantonese Beef served on Rice

Cantonese Beef
(As found in Taste of Home Guilt Free Cooking)

1 can (11 Ounces) Mandarin Oranges

2 lbs Beef Stew Meat, cut into 1 inch cubes

1 small onion, sliced

1 tablespoon canola oil

1-1/2 cups water

1/3 cup reduced-sodium soy sauce

1/2 teaspoon ground ginger

4 celery ribs, sliced

1 small green pepper, julienned

1 can (8 ounces) sliced water chestnuts, drained

3 tablespoons cornstarch

3 tablespoons cold water

Hot Cooked Rice

1.) Drain oranges, reserving juice; set oranges aside. In a Dutch Oven, brown beef and onion in oil; drain. Stir in the water, soy sauce, ginger and reserved juice. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat; cover and simmer for 1 to 1 1/2 hours or until beef is tender.


2.) Add the celery, green pepper, and water chestnuts. Cover and cook for 20-30 minutes or until vegetables are tender. Combine cornstarch and cold water until smooth; stir into beef mixture. Bring to a boil; cook and stir for 2 minutes or until thickened. Stir in reserved oranges. Serve with rice.

Serves:9, serving size (3/4 cup of beef cantonese without rice) is 233 calories.

I liked it, first time making it tonight. Similar to some stir-fry meals I've made in the past. I personally added mushrooms and had sweet red peppers, so I replaced the green peppers in mine with red. I think next time I will cut the meat up smaller and add more cornstarch mixture because it was not thick enough for my liking. I'd recommend it though, for a pretty easy meal.

A picture I took to remind myself of the beauty in life:

A part of this project will also be to include things to inspire myself to remember the beauty this world has to offer. I will publish pictures I have taken that I tried to capture the essence of beauty in this world or I will publish and give credit to other artists who have done the same. Whether it be words, quotations, pictures. I will briefly explain how the form of artwork has inspired or how it has made me feel, and hope that if not the same feeling occurs for someone else, it may inspire some admiration of how truly beautiful this world and this life can be.


Here is a picture I recently captured of my sister's cats. (Well, only two of the five). My sister has a big heart for animals. These two were her first cats. Cabot (the Grey and White cat) She got in 2004 as a kitten. Someone had said that he was thrown out because he was too ugly and she found him in a box on the side of the road. Minus that he had obnoxiously huge ears and bounced around like a bunny (hence the name Cabot), he was the one of the cutest most loving kittens we'd ever come across. A couple years later, a black and white stray began hanging around my sister's apartment (Phil). He gained my sister's affections but she wasn't ready to take him into her home. Until one day when he dragged himself to her after being hurt, she assumed possibly hit by a car. At that point she took care of him and he is now one of her indoor cats. Both these cats being "saved" kitties makes them precious all in their own story.

Cats (although in some cases other people may have personal opinions that do not agree with mine) are just all around cute. Pictures of kittens make people giggle in auw all the time. A cat, from my experience, is very in tune with the people who take care of them. Cats know when their owners are not okay and will find a way to try and comfort them. (Not all, but most at least). Cats, although not as loving as a dog or puppy can be, can be a huge heart warming entity. They have the ability to make a lot of people smile, even if it is just by a picture.


These two cats, Although not blood related, treat each other like brothers. That should be inspiring enough to anyone, to remember that you should try and treat those you care about like family members, who watch out and support each other. If two cats can do it, so can we as human beings (You know since we are the superior species because of our larger and better brains; which seem to be programmed more selfishly with less consideration for others).

Phantom #1: Body Issues

One of the biggest phantoms in my head is my looks. I have always struggled particularly with weight. I know that all my close friends have heard me complain and whine and do everything I can to try and not be so "fat".

Throughout my lifetime, I've fluctuated from a healthy kid, to a chubby kid, to an extremely skinny teen, to a chubby adult, to an obese (BY BMI DEFINITION) adult. Even when I was a skinny teen, I would look into the mirror and see fat.

As a teenager, I swam on the swim team for school. I worked very hard to do my best for that sport. Swimming helped so much with weight loss but at times I would have issues with what I looked like compared to friends on the team, I would skip my breakfast and lunch and eat a very small dinner. At another point, I had a boyfriend that cheated on me, and instead of leaving him behind to eat my "too good for him" dust, I thought I was too fat for him and began losing more weight. Towards my senior year of High School, while dating someone else who I "got comfortable" with, I put on some weight, after that the weight began barreling out of control because I no longer had swimming and I did not participate in many physically exerting activities.

I am 5'4". My weight at my lowest 115 lbs when I was a teenager. I don't ever expect to have my child body back, considering my body has matured into adulthood and that is basically an unobtainable and self destructive goal.

When I transferred to SUNY Potsdam I gained weight in 2006. I rocketed to 215lbs. After ending another relationship (which was also my most recent relationship, 6 years ago), I realized what had happened to my body in the meantime. Although I was quite aware the my bra size and pant size had been growing, I just pushed aside and focused on things that were "more important" at the time. After all this, I began eating healthier. I made friends who enjoyed walks at school and into town. I even lived up the hall from a friend who worked out regularly in the mornings and I'd got to the gym with her. Then, I took up a hobby in hiking for one of my summers.


In the summertime between my junior and senior year, I met a 29 year old amazing person. I don't think she could understand how truly inspiring she had become to me. Right off the bat, I poured my heart out to her. Which was probably from her aspect really weird. She explained a lot of things to me, got me motivated to do walking, showed me that she used a pedometer and we began challenging each other to walk more steps each day. She told me that her life hasn't been a basket full of sunshine and explained that she was not always healthy either. She inspired me to become a better person, especially when I was around her. Sadly, it was just a summer job and I didn't have her motivation year round. I started off my Senior year of college and for the most part ate a pretty healthy diet from what my roommates and I could afford and was down to 160lbs.

After college, I stopped taking care of myself. I moved into an apartment with a best friend. We partied all the time and I thought I was having the time of my life. I look back on the pictures now and I can't believe how little I took care of myself. My hair was a mess, I looked like crap. I probably felt like crap too from all the drinking we did. It seemed so fun at the time. I moved back home and got a car, which decreased the amount of walking I was doing. I ate full on fattening meals because that's what they served to the boys at the job I was working. I reached the weight of 205lbs, this past September 2010. At this point, I talked with my mom about wanting to lose weight. We looked into some diets and began eating the p90x diet (with plans of exercising).

This was about the time that I spiraled out of control with drinking and partying. I drank more times than a person should in a week. I would be hungover for work, I'd show up right on time, I woke up basically when I needed to leave. I didn't care about myself. At all, and then I got arrested.

At the point where I knew something had to change, I decided to trace back and think of how I could fix always feeling bad about how I look. I remembered how good I felt when I was walking that summer with my co-worker. I thought about how little I had exercised in the past year. I thought about how aggressive I was and how angry I was. I remembered that when I went to counseling for a brief time in college how they explained that it is important to incorporate exercise because it releases endorphins to raise levels of feeling happier in your life. The one thing I've always let slide and be put on the back burner is exercise. I've always blamed that I don't have a work out partner or a gym or this or that.

I've decided that I NEED to take accountability for my actions. If I need to work out, then I am the only person who can control that. Since the end of November 2010, I've been able to work out pretty much everyday. There have been a few days here and there where I took a break or had to many other things to do in the day that I did not get a chance but for the most part I have worked out everyday. I have been doing "Walk away the Pounds" DVD. I have a few other DVDs that are too intense at the moment and demotivate me. I figure that doing something is better than nothing and eventually my endurance will make me capable of taking on harder activities. I plan on working into being a runner in the spring time, which will take a lot of motivation and determination.

I started out the New Year weighing 185lbs. I've succeeded in losing 20lbs, just by making conscious healthier choices with the amount of food I eat along with incorporating exercise.

Everyday, I have an excuse in my head why I should not exercise. Everyday, I FORCE myself to tell myself, "Stop it and just do it". So far, I've been doing great, and most of me feels pretty good about it. Thinking about how much weight I have to go makes me sad sometimes, but I try my best to push these thoughts aside and push more positive and motivating thoughts in.

I can do this for myself and I will.

The start of change.

I hit rock bottom in October. I had began drinking at a very intense rate. I was having problems coping with issues that I had created for myself, and I thought that the only way I could have fun would be to drink. When I drank, I thought, I didn't have to think about my problems. Then, I created MORE problems for myself. I was arrested on October 12th, 2010 with an aggravated DWI. The following day, when I told my job, they explained that since I work with Children, they had to let me go. Bang, Bang.

I had a lot of trouble coping. At first, I thought of all the different things I could blame. I thought well, this wouldn't have happened if so and so wouldn't have done this to me. OR I wouldn't have gotten caught if they did this. I placed the blame on every outside source I possibly could. I cried for days, I argued, I pleaded. I was feeling the lowest I've ever felt.

I found a Lawyer and proceeded to take care of the pending court dates. I applied for unemployment. I did everything I could for the outside mess I had created, and still sat in a negative cloud of blaming others and everything else and leaving the heat off myself, while still feeling incredibly depressed.

I stayed up late one night, which actually had become a habit, staying up all night and sleeping all day. I knew that I did not want to continue this cycle. I knew I did not want to end up in this situation ever again. I knew that I wanted to not feel so defeated, so horribly depressed at only 23. So I vowed that I would have to make some changes. I would have to begin participating in healthy choices. I would have to chose to do things to make sure that I never do this to myself again. I pondered for hours, all of the things that had brought me down.

Yes, I was naming outside events and sources, but I realized after doing some research on alcoholism (which at this point I dabbled in the creations of becoming one). The main issue for alcoholics, and I honestly believe most depressed individuals, is that instead of focusing on the control we have on our lives, we focus on things we feel we do not have control over. We marinate in these thoughts of hatred and sadness, of anger and rage. I personally took no credit for anything that occurred to me. I had NO control over myself whatsoever, everything was bad to me and for me, and I was not letting any of it go.

Well, not until that night. I had decided to stop blaming other situations, other people, other sources for my emotions and actions. From this point on it was MY decision to be happy, to feel happy, to do good things. It was my decision to control situations I am involved in, to remove myself or continue on, to do anything I do. It is my own will, it is not controlled by any outside source, I am the cause and effect of all of my OWN choices and actions. NO ONE but ME is to blame or to credit for anything I have accomplished (or failed at) in my lifetime.

This process is taking time. Still, I find myself blaming instead of taking credit for my actions. At the end of the day, I think about it and I need to focus on just letting things go and stop focusing on the negative, take a step forward and a deep breath and make an action step to turn the negative into a positive. Apologize for reacting immaturely, take credit for my actions. Apologies only go so far, but in the process of fixing oneself, they are going to happen, and it's better to beat it to death instead of never letting anyone know that you know you were wrong.

So far, I've been able to make some very healthy changes. I have been working on not being defeated but being in control of myself and my actions and just making positive and happier choices. Now, that's the background of how I got here. I suppose I can begin documenting advice and struggles and how I've tried to overcome these problems. I'm using myself as a psychological experiment (I did study Psychology in College after all). I'm going to have to figure out if it is even possible to do, (experiment wise). Even if it's not, I still hope to document what I have done to overcome the phantoms of anger and depression in my head and just become the person I've always wanted to be.